An Exercise

I figure I just have to write something or I'll keep not writing instead. I started and nearly finished a post about being in New York, but decided it was either too obvious or too cynical, so I let it go. There are other things that I wish I had let go, but didn't. I'm not even saying I should have dropped them. Only that the outcome isn't what I wanted.

I was happy to see friends in New York, but in general it was a lonely trip, and quite unhappy at times. I think I'm at a point where I have to ride things out and wait to come to some understanding or peace of mind. It's not the easiest thing for a person like me, but there's not much I can do about it. And besides, it's probably a good lesson.

On a positive note, I finally feel ready for a schedule. I'm trying to ease myself into it through the rest of this week and stick to it properly starting Monday. I'll have specific times for yoga, meditation, quilting, random other projects, babysitting, and doing some laundry and cooking for Tim and Kaylan. I just want to be sure that I don't create something arbitrary, and miss whatever productive conclusion I might draw from the confusion and groundlessness that has marked recent months. Because there's got to be something good there, right? Some lesson about no-self or emptiness or something? It feels like there must be. I've got my eyes peeled.

Pre-hibernation

I've had a bizarre couple of weeks. Sometimes exciting, sometimes depressing, always crazy. There have been points when it felt like a lose/lose situation. I was just hoping to salvage something recognizable from the aftermath. But now it appears that everything is alright, and my worries are coming to nothing.

Worrying is something I've been trying to do less, actually. It's not terribly easy to tell the difference between necessary consideration and unnecessary anxiety, but when it's obviously fruitless, I try to remember to leave it alone. Of course that brings up the whole other issue of noticing a thought or feeling and letting it go, rather than just suppressing it. They say these things get easier with practice. Keep your fingers crossed.

As part of my efforts, I've been putting away the accumulated mess of a million unstarted projects. I invented these activities for myself, so why do I get so stressed when I don't make them happen immediately and all at once? Back into the boxes you go, crafts. You will not get done until I damn well choose, which may be two years from now. Or possibly never. So there! And as simple as that, I'm no longer worried about the wood I didn't refinish, the vinyl I didn't paint, or the books I didn't bind.

My mind has got other things on it, anyway. There are only a few days left of razing, building, cleaning, curating, and drinking before my little artkidcommune experience goes into hibernation for the winter along with the sleeping beauty of thriftstoreartmuseums. It's an unavoidably microcosmic, life-in-fast-forward environment, and there's nothing to do but be in it till it's done, apparently. I'll miss the campers when they're gone.

Pretty soon I'll be going to New York for Thanksgiving. Then I'll be looking forward to a wedding and seeing everyone over New Years. But right now, the only thing I want to think about is all the Nintendo I'm going to play. I love you, Professor Layton. I'm coming home.

Carolina Sunshine Girl

Well, I'm here. I procrastinated to the brink of failure, but thanks to Kate, John, et al, I got everything packed and arrived in Chapel Hill at around midnight on Monday. Kate and I bought walkie-talkies for the drive and it was the best $17 I've ever spent. I waffled a little, thinking, "What can a walkie do for me in this age of cell phones?" Blasphemy! These things are freaking awesome. Plus they made driving the truck a breeze, since Kate was able to tell me when it was safe to change lanes. A+

It's green and lovely here and much cooler (temperature-wise) than Birmingham. Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, Harris Teeter, and most importantly, Locopops (yesterday Kate and I shared a chocolate chile popsicle and a plum pink pepper one. Holy sweet god damn!) are right down the street. AND a quilting store moved in next to Locopops. Nevertheless, I'm feeling pretty down. The time has come to get to the business of moving on and looking forward, which I'd really rather avoid.

Instead, I've decided to distract myself with new crafts, which I've convinced myself is not incongruent with the looking-forward directive. I bought some cheap vinyl toys and spent most of last night perusing tutorials on painting, sculpting, and general modification of toys. And then, of course, there are the laptop cases, pillow monsters, quilts, and embroidery projects I've stockpiled. Problems? What problems? Lalalalalalalalala, I can't hear you.

Pictures of my endeavors to come...as soon as I can find my camera cord.

International

My dad's immigration file is a stack of photocopies of photocopies of forms and typewritten letters. Halfway through the pile is his application for permanent residency, followed by another sheet that's blank except for this picture. ID photos for the application. I love the look on his face and the quality of the image.

I requested his file during my attempt to get Italian citizenship, an effort which proved unnecessary, since I've apparently had dual citizenship all along. Since I got my Italian passport a couple of summers ago, I haven't really thought much about taking advantage of it. Moving out of the country has been a hazy, unforeseeable future daydream. I started thinking about it more concretely today, though. While I was looking up information about binding, I found a book arts program in London. Of course the tuition for international students puts the program completely out of my reach. But tuition for UK and EU citizens is only a third of that. I've already started my application.

Bring Me Soymilk

On my flight from JFK to Atlanta I was completely surrounded by children. The kid behind me was practicing her tap routine on the back of my seat while her baby brother pounded on the window like some sort of tiny Dustin Hoffman. The third sibling was literally up to her elbows in bangles so that her every move was distinctly audible. Another little girl peeked between the seats in front of me and then slowly and deliberately licked the window from bottom to top. From across the aisle, the stench of Cool Ranch Doritos engulfed me and I wished for death.

I finally got back to Birmingham at 9:15 this morning after missing my connecting flight in Atlanta and then sleeping through the flight I was rebooked on at 7:30 this morning. I can't say the travel portion of my vacation was particularly awesome, but it's over now. I can quietly avoid my responsibilities from the comfort of my living room. At least until tomorrow, when I'll probably have to deal with various inconveniences, including the fact that my car was hit while I was out of town.

Until then, I refuse to go anywhere, even the grocery store, though I'm in serious need of soymilk (I could probably also use some food). Publix is just too much at the moment. Instead, I'm going to take an ill-advised nap and then stay up too late watching movies.

Horror-scope

I'm not going to go into all the details, but the important predictions are the following: shit is going to continue to suck for me until May 4, 2010, at which point things will start to get better. I have a window from March 2011 to July 2011 during which to get married. If I don't do it then, I've missed the boat until I'm forty! The guy I marry is going to be foreign and slightly younger than me, and I'll probably live outside the US. So, I guess if I make it through the next six months or so, it's smooth sailing. No major health issues or other problems. Just have to deal with another nine months of crap.

Tourist Shots

I've done most of my actual sight-seeing in the last two days. Elephant safari yesterday and primarily Buddhist 12th century ruins today. The Buddhist site has what I think might be the largest reclining Buddha in the world. Could be wrong about that, though. Back to Colombo tomorrow, the land that the internet forgot.

Sri Lanka Pt. 2

Because I know you're on the edge of your seat, I'll go ahead and tell you straight off that my pants, after a couple of washings, are ok. You can exhale now.

We spent the entire weekend shopping and running errands, including dropping my birth info off so I could have my chart done. Apparently by Saturday morning I'll know all sorts of things about my present and future including when and to whom I will finally get married. Please, someone sort it all out, because I'm clearly incapable.

My downfall here has been fabric. I have bought no fewer than five saris and I'm afraid that if I go anywhere near a fabric shop, I'll buy more. But they're soooooo pretty, and they're all different and amazing and I could really just spend the rest of my life looking at them. Clearly I need to find a Sri Lankan dude so it won't be weird for me to wear them around the house (yes, I realize that it would still be weird).

We arrived at the beach yesterday and are going to some historical sites tomorrow. I think we're going to see elephants after that, and then back to Colombo for Ami's 80th birthday party. I'm glad my last few days will be in town and not full of travelling. I'll have plenty of that on the way home.

I must leave this internet point before I steam to death. More when I return to Colombo.
I won't be able to really post any photos until after I get back, so you'll have to survive for now on these fisherman pulling in nets.

Sri Lanka: Part 1

Friday night. After a couple of missteps, I end up at the bar of the Colombo Hilton listening to a Sri Lankan Eagles cover band. I shit you not. I'm the only westerner in the place, and almost the only woman. The waiter stood inappropriately close while giving me the bill for my Lion beer, so I shifted away to let him know that I am not, in fact, a prostitute. Awkward as it is, this is the first time I've been alone since I arrived and I'm enjoying it. Bonus points for seeing an ad for Step Up 2: The Streets on the bar television.

I can't even remember what we did on my first day here except go to a jewelry store where I coveted gold earrings that were out of my price range. The next day we left for Kandy where we attended the next-to-last night of the Perahera, a festival celebrating the Buddha's tooth-relic (which may or may not actually have been destroyed by the Portuguese in the 17th century.) Awesome fire-dancing and costumed elephants quickly turned into the longest, most repetitive parade of all time. Also, giant bats. Enough said.

On Wednesday we drove up to the hill country. Don't ask me where, because I don't know. Everything is already arranged, so I'm not paying much attention to those things. What I do know is that 1) we toured a tea factory and I bought some sort of ridiculously expensive tea; 2) we drove up 8000 ft. on windy and sometimes scary, but always amazingly beautiful roads; 3) we stayed two nights at Warwick Gardens, which is the sort of place where an Englishman would have gone at the turn of the 19th century to convalesce.

Yesterday back to Colombo where my only pair of pants was mildewing in our apartment's washer. Not sure yet if they survived.

Summary of the trip so far:

• interesting foods eaten: rambutan, mangosteen, avocado "juice," curd with treacle.
• monkeys sighted: four
• live performances: innumerable by other members of the group, one by me (coroner's speech from The Wizard of Oz)
• Times almost killed by a motorcycle: one
• Incidents of crying by myself or others: at least three
• Common features of Sri Lanka: saris, tuk-tuks, curry, Buddha shrines with flashing LED halos, roadside cows, wild dogs, cricket matches, military check-points, freezing-ass air conditioning
• favorite business name: Moxie's Chicken and Chicken Parts
• internet points found: 1

P.S. There's a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf here. I'm getting an Iced Blended before I leave.

Procrastination

Per usual I have gotten a lot of useless things done over the last couple of days when there were plenty of important tasks I should have been about. Once I finished modding my moleskine, I slapped PVA and paper onto anything that would stand still. I ended up with a small softcover notebook for the trip, so my important one doesn't get ruined, and I put a new cover on a completely hideous and useless large notebook, just because it was sitting there. The moleskine has new endpapers, ribbon/bookmark, a new pocket, and (!!!) elastic bands on the spine to hold a pen.



I'm relatively certain that I have everything I need for tomorrow, though I'll have to leave some errands for a trustworthy friend, and I'll be making phone calls during layovers. With all the time changes and everything, I leave on the morning of the 1st, and don't arrive in Colombo until 2am on the 3rd. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep, or anywhere close to it, in longer than I can remember, though, so I'm looking forward to tons of that. When I arrive, I'll medicate myself into the appropriate level of wake fullness and hopefully avoid most of the jet lag. Just talking about this is making me too tired to go on. Nap time.

Long Distance

Everything is so incredibly hectic. I leave for Sri Lanka on Saturday. Not only do I have a lot to do before then, but I keep creating more projects for myself, like fancying up my moleskine, or designing this blog. When I get back, around mid-August, it'll be time to pack up my life and move everything to Chapel Hill. A lot of it (my life?) will have to go into storage, but I have to find a place to fit the things from my studio. I doubt I'll have a place for my cutting table. My fabric, pillows, and notions need to be accessable, though, and that could be a problem.

I’m retreating to Chapel Hill because my life sort of collapsed and I don't think I can handle my day-to-day responsibilities while I put it back together. I’m leaving a lot of drama behind in Birmingham, but if I'm not careful I think I'll have plenty of complications to deal with in NC. What I need and want to do is to spend a lot of time on myself with therapy, mediation, yoga, and anything else that might clear out my head. The allure of the drama of human existence is never gone, though. I'm forever ambivalent about it, like most people. I hope I can get the distance I need in Sri Lanka. If not, at least it'll be a hella sweet vacay.