Civic Satori

I spend a lot of time driving these days–back and forth between Greensboro and Chapel Hill with Winston-Salem occasionally thrown into the mix. Everything seems really simple in my car. I'm usually either thinking about my intentions (that is, the guiding principles of my life in general) or trying to just be (a kind of meditation on driving). I like the car, probably because there's no reason to second guess myself. There's never a question as to whether I should be doing something more important or productive. I'm not attached to anything. The only thing I can do is drive.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to drive forever. Not like a truck driver who needs to get to a certain place by a certain time, but not aimlessly either. More like if the well-known highway between points A and B just stretched out, and my exit never came. I wonder if that's what life without desire feels like. If I took a long enough road trip, do you think I could find enlightenment?

Definition

screw-glue: verb. literally, to glue screws into place; to carry out a task in so rigorous and thorough a manner as to ultimately create problems for the undertaking as a whole; to overdo. He really screw-glued those dishes by wrapping each one in newspaper, bubblewrap, and then duct tape before boxing them up.

The term is derived from the process of permanently affixing a small post to its base with multiple four-inch screws and glue, despite the fact that it will eventually need to be moved.

Pre-hibernation

I've had a bizarre couple of weeks. Sometimes exciting, sometimes depressing, always crazy. There have been points when it felt like a lose/lose situation. I was just hoping to salvage something recognizable from the aftermath. But now it appears that everything is alright, and my worries are coming to nothing.

Worrying is something I've been trying to do less, actually. It's not terribly easy to tell the difference between necessary consideration and unnecessary anxiety, but when it's obviously fruitless, I try to remember to leave it alone. Of course that brings up the whole other issue of noticing a thought or feeling and letting it go, rather than just suppressing it. They say these things get easier with practice. Keep your fingers crossed.

As part of my efforts, I've been putting away the accumulated mess of a million unstarted projects. I invented these activities for myself, so why do I get so stressed when I don't make them happen immediately and all at once? Back into the boxes you go, crafts. You will not get done until I damn well choose, which may be two years from now. Or possibly never. So there! And as simple as that, I'm no longer worried about the wood I didn't refinish, the vinyl I didn't paint, or the books I didn't bind.

My mind has got other things on it, anyway. There are only a few days left of razing, building, cleaning, curating, and drinking before my little artkidcommune experience goes into hibernation for the winter along with the sleeping beauty of thriftstoreartmuseums. It's an unavoidably microcosmic, life-in-fast-forward environment, and there's nothing to do but be in it till it's done, apparently. I'll miss the campers when they're gone.

Pretty soon I'll be going to New York for Thanksgiving. Then I'll be looking forward to a wedding and seeing everyone over New Years. But right now, the only thing I want to think about is all the Nintendo I'm going to play. I love you, Professor Layton. I'm coming home.

In Retrospect

I met someone's ex once, along with said ex's boyfriend at the time, who was a really nice guy. "Poor Mark (not his actual name, of course)," my friend said, in reference to his being tied to this girl, and then, "I wonder if people said that about me when she and I were together." I didn't say so, and probably didn't even know it yet, but I think it was the other way around. People felt sorry for her, which is saying a lot, because she's no dream.

A different someone had a birthday yesterday. He shows me up, because his lifestyle adheres too closely to my ideals, which it turns out I'm afraid to live by. So I bought him The Dharma Bums, only to begin re-reading myself to stay busy while he sleeps (and sleeps, and sleeps) off a poorly-timed flu. He said, "It should be illegal to be sick on your birthday...but then I guess I'd be in jail."

I planned to be a devout little bikkhu, Ray Smith style, and a dried-veggie-and-bulgar-eating minimalist, a la Japhy Ryder. That was more than two years ago. For a while I meditated devoutly, and it was an exhilarating, strange, scary/happy time. My best friend asked if I was having a manic episode. I'm sure I didn't quit on purpose, but I forget what happened exactly. I think it was about the same time I stopped doing yoga, and around the point when I met Evan. Go figure. I keep meaning to get back to it, but months go by and the inertia just gets thicker. I don't like it at all, but I don't change it either. I need a kick in the ass from my personal Bodhisattva. Ty, where are you?

Upturn

Faith emails me my Free Will Astrology horoscope every week. The crux of this week's was, "...there's a good chance you will have excellent intuition about what to do in order to at least partially restore yourself to power."

Most of Friday was alright, but nothing to suggest a major shift. In fact, it seemed like everyone I talked to was in a similar funk. I drove into Greensboro without any sort of plan, doubtful that I'd find something to do. But!!! But!!! I had a totally stellar weekend! Nothing in particular happened, but it's been a while since I so thoroughly enjoyed myself. I went to a dance party with the Elsewhere crew on Friday night. My poor little atrophied muscles could hardly take all the stimulation. I didn't know I missed dancing so much!

Saturday was lazy and full of diner food with a late-night trip back to Chapel Hill where we stayed up all night emulsing screens, listening to music, and doing research for a trend-tracking project.

Sunday was maybe my favorite, though. Sleep dep. trip to the mall for no particular reason. I've never had so much fun trying on sunglasses. Ever. Later on there was a big chunk of helping George put his bed together, but even that was alright with me.

I think I should start every weekend with dancing.

Past Bedtime

It is depressing to realize that a song you've always liked, and simultaneously been grateful that you can't entirely relate to, suddenly describes your situation to a tee.

I'm tired. I want to go sleep, but for some reason, I'm still sitting up. I think it's a combination of inertia and the groundless hope that something nice will happen, thus ending my day on a good note. Things aren't really bad, exactly. I'm more bored than anything else. Plus the only people I have face-to-face contact with are usually check-out girls or mechanics or whatever other stranger is peripherally involved in my errands. Really, today was comparatively exciting. I found an Asian market down 15-501, finished a "save the date" card for Tim and Kaylan, and got a cute (or so the receptionist told me) haircut at Moshi Moshi. Also, my NC driver's license came today and it's the first not horrible photo since I got my learner's permit (the photo for which was actually quite good). These things will have to suffice for pleasant thoughts to fall asleep to.

Busy Bee

Too terribly busy with made-up work to even take pictures of it all, but here's the recent stuff:

Mini cheesecakes, half swirled with blackberry, the others plain, and...

...lavender earl grey cupcakes with lemon buttercream for Tim and Kaylan's joint birthday party. I made the cupcakes from this recipe. I added a step which was to heat the milk and steep some tea in it before letting it cool and adding it to the batter. It was pretty bergamot-ish before I put it in the batter, but the cupcakes still didn't have enough of the tea flavor for my taste. Next time I'd say more tea in the batter and less lemon in the icing (delish, but totally overpowered the other flavors).

I finished up an order for a toddler-sized kimono recently, too. Babymamma requested pink, which wouldn't have been my first choice, but I think I made it work. The kimono itself is about 23" long, just to give you an idea of the size. Besides the standard obi, I made a pre-tied bow that snaps on over a simple knot. Probably easier than retying a traditional knot/bow every time a diaper needs changing.

Selfishly, though, my favorite project (of this post, anyway) was one for myself that Faith helped me with this weekend. She and her dad built a sweet stand for her laptop a few months ago and I've been coveting it ever since. Luckily for her, it was the wrong size for my laptop. And luckily for me, it was way easy to build. It's totally perfect because it lets air get under the computer, but is also totally comfortable on your lap...don't get me started on commercial stand designs.

The most time consuming thing about making this thing was getting the color the way I wanted it–saturated, but with the grain showing through. It was essentially a matter of patience and possibly a little obsessive compulsion. I used watered down interior latex paint at about a 4:1 paint-to-water ratio, and painted on with a large artists' brush. After a minute or two I used a combo of dry and damp paper towels to wipe off excess paint and even out the coat. Once it's dry, you just polyurithane, sand, and repeat. The very least step was to glue the black foamy, rubbery, I-don't-know-what strips to the top of the riser pieces and it was donedonedone. I'm a little infatuated with it, I have to admit. It turned out exactly perfect (look at that yellow!).