Psychiatry

My second psychiatrist's appointment confirmed what I thought after the first: I don't like this shrink. I thought perhaps I was misremembering, or had been uncomfortable for some other reason and just blamed it on him. But for the second visit in a row I got the distinct impression that he's trying to catch me at something. He asks me questions that don't seem to have anything to do with my mental health, and takes notes at inexplicable intervals. "Do you typically get your oil changed on time? Mhmm. And how many miles till your next oil change? Uh-huh," (nods, jots down note). I can't figure out what he's getting at. I get defensive, only I'm careful to hide it, lest he think he's hit on something. I'm living a scene from a poorly written comedy.

An Exercise

I figure I just have to write something or I'll keep not writing instead. I started and nearly finished a post about being in New York, but decided it was either too obvious or too cynical, so I let it go. There are other things that I wish I had let go, but didn't. I'm not even saying I should have dropped them. Only that the outcome isn't what I wanted.

I was happy to see friends in New York, but in general it was a lonely trip, and quite unhappy at times. I think I'm at a point where I have to ride things out and wait to come to some understanding or peace of mind. It's not the easiest thing for a person like me, but there's not much I can do about it. And besides, it's probably a good lesson.

On a positive note, I finally feel ready for a schedule. I'm trying to ease myself into it through the rest of this week and stick to it properly starting Monday. I'll have specific times for yoga, meditation, quilting, random other projects, babysitting, and doing some laundry and cooking for Tim and Kaylan. I just want to be sure that I don't create something arbitrary, and miss whatever productive conclusion I might draw from the confusion and groundlessness that has marked recent months. Because there's got to be something good there, right? Some lesson about no-self or emptiness or something? It feels like there must be. I've got my eyes peeled.