Psychiatry

My second psychiatrist's appointment confirmed what I thought after the first: I don't like this shrink. I thought perhaps I was misremembering, or had been uncomfortable for some other reason and just blamed it on him. But for the second visit in a row I got the distinct impression that he's trying to catch me at something. He asks me questions that don't seem to have anything to do with my mental health, and takes notes at inexplicable intervals. "Do you typically get your oil changed on time? Mhmm. And how many miles till your next oil change? Uh-huh," (nods, jots down note). I can't figure out what he's getting at. I get defensive, only I'm careful to hide it, lest he think he's hit on something. I'm living a scene from a poorly written comedy.

An Exercise

I figure I just have to write something or I'll keep not writing instead. I started and nearly finished a post about being in New York, but decided it was either too obvious or too cynical, so I let it go. There are other things that I wish I had let go, but didn't. I'm not even saying I should have dropped them. Only that the outcome isn't what I wanted.

I was happy to see friends in New York, but in general it was a lonely trip, and quite unhappy at times. I think I'm at a point where I have to ride things out and wait to come to some understanding or peace of mind. It's not the easiest thing for a person like me, but there's not much I can do about it. And besides, it's probably a good lesson.

On a positive note, I finally feel ready for a schedule. I'm trying to ease myself into it through the rest of this week and stick to it properly starting Monday. I'll have specific times for yoga, meditation, quilting, random other projects, babysitting, and doing some laundry and cooking for Tim and Kaylan. I just want to be sure that I don't create something arbitrary, and miss whatever productive conclusion I might draw from the confusion and groundlessness that has marked recent months. Because there's got to be something good there, right? Some lesson about no-self or emptiness or something? It feels like there must be. I've got my eyes peeled.

Civic Satori

I spend a lot of time driving these days–back and forth between Greensboro and Chapel Hill with Winston-Salem occasionally thrown into the mix. Everything seems really simple in my car. I'm usually either thinking about my intentions (that is, the guiding principles of my life in general) or trying to just be (a kind of meditation on driving). I like the car, probably because there's no reason to second guess myself. There's never a question as to whether I should be doing something more important or productive. I'm not attached to anything. The only thing I can do is drive.

Sometimes I think about what it would be like to drive forever. Not like a truck driver who needs to get to a certain place by a certain time, but not aimlessly either. More like if the well-known highway between points A and B just stretched out, and my exit never came. I wonder if that's what life without desire feels like. If I took a long enough road trip, do you think I could find enlightenment?

Definition

screw-glue: verb. literally, to glue screws into place; to carry out a task in so rigorous and thorough a manner as to ultimately create problems for the undertaking as a whole; to overdo. He really screw-glued those dishes by wrapping each one in newspaper, bubblewrap, and then duct tape before boxing them up.

The term is derived from the process of permanently affixing a small post to its base with multiple four-inch screws and glue, despite the fact that it will eventually need to be moved.

Pre-hibernation

I've had a bizarre couple of weeks. Sometimes exciting, sometimes depressing, always crazy. There have been points when it felt like a lose/lose situation. I was just hoping to salvage something recognizable from the aftermath. But now it appears that everything is alright, and my worries are coming to nothing.

Worrying is something I've been trying to do less, actually. It's not terribly easy to tell the difference between necessary consideration and unnecessary anxiety, but when it's obviously fruitless, I try to remember to leave it alone. Of course that brings up the whole other issue of noticing a thought or feeling and letting it go, rather than just suppressing it. They say these things get easier with practice. Keep your fingers crossed.

As part of my efforts, I've been putting away the accumulated mess of a million unstarted projects. I invented these activities for myself, so why do I get so stressed when I don't make them happen immediately and all at once? Back into the boxes you go, crafts. You will not get done until I damn well choose, which may be two years from now. Or possibly never. So there! And as simple as that, I'm no longer worried about the wood I didn't refinish, the vinyl I didn't paint, or the books I didn't bind.

My mind has got other things on it, anyway. There are only a few days left of razing, building, cleaning, curating, and drinking before my little artkidcommune experience goes into hibernation for the winter along with the sleeping beauty of thriftstoreartmuseums. It's an unavoidably microcosmic, life-in-fast-forward environment, and there's nothing to do but be in it till it's done, apparently. I'll miss the campers when they're gone.

Pretty soon I'll be going to New York for Thanksgiving. Then I'll be looking forward to a wedding and seeing everyone over New Years. But right now, the only thing I want to think about is all the Nintendo I'm going to play. I love you, Professor Layton. I'm coming home.

In Retrospect

I met someone's ex once, along with said ex's boyfriend at the time, who was a really nice guy. "Poor Mark (not his actual name, of course)," my friend said, in reference to his being tied to this girl, and then, "I wonder if people said that about me when she and I were together." I didn't say so, and probably didn't even know it yet, but I think it was the other way around. People felt sorry for her, which is saying a lot, because she's no dream.

A different someone had a birthday yesterday. He shows me up, because his lifestyle adheres too closely to my ideals, which it turns out I'm afraid to live by. So I bought him The Dharma Bums, only to begin re-reading myself to stay busy while he sleeps (and sleeps, and sleeps) off a poorly-timed flu. He said, "It should be illegal to be sick on your birthday...but then I guess I'd be in jail."

I planned to be a devout little bikkhu, Ray Smith style, and a dried-veggie-and-bulgar-eating minimalist, a la Japhy Ryder. That was more than two years ago. For a while I meditated devoutly, and it was an exhilarating, strange, scary/happy time. My best friend asked if I was having a manic episode. I'm sure I didn't quit on purpose, but I forget what happened exactly. I think it was about the same time I stopped doing yoga, and around the point when I met Evan. Go figure. I keep meaning to get back to it, but months go by and the inertia just gets thicker. I don't like it at all, but I don't change it either. I need a kick in the ass from my personal Bodhisattva. Ty, where are you?

Upturn

Faith emails me my Free Will Astrology horoscope every week. The crux of this week's was, "...there's a good chance you will have excellent intuition about what to do in order to at least partially restore yourself to power."

Most of Friday was alright, but nothing to suggest a major shift. In fact, it seemed like everyone I talked to was in a similar funk. I drove into Greensboro without any sort of plan, doubtful that I'd find something to do. But!!! But!!! I had a totally stellar weekend! Nothing in particular happened, but it's been a while since I so thoroughly enjoyed myself. I went to a dance party with the Elsewhere crew on Friday night. My poor little atrophied muscles could hardly take all the stimulation. I didn't know I missed dancing so much!

Saturday was lazy and full of diner food with a late-night trip back to Chapel Hill where we stayed up all night emulsing screens, listening to music, and doing research for a trend-tracking project.

Sunday was maybe my favorite, though. Sleep dep. trip to the mall for no particular reason. I've never had so much fun trying on sunglasses. Ever. Later on there was a big chunk of helping George put his bed together, but even that was alright with me.

I think I should start every weekend with dancing.

Past Bedtime

It is depressing to realize that a song you've always liked, and simultaneously been grateful that you can't entirely relate to, suddenly describes your situation to a tee.

I'm tired. I want to go sleep, but for some reason, I'm still sitting up. I think it's a combination of inertia and the groundless hope that something nice will happen, thus ending my day on a good note. Things aren't really bad, exactly. I'm more bored than anything else. Plus the only people I have face-to-face contact with are usually check-out girls or mechanics or whatever other stranger is peripherally involved in my errands. Really, today was comparatively exciting. I found an Asian market down 15-501, finished a "save the date" card for Tim and Kaylan, and got a cute (or so the receptionist told me) haircut at Moshi Moshi. Also, my NC driver's license came today and it's the first not horrible photo since I got my learner's permit (the photo for which was actually quite good). These things will have to suffice for pleasant thoughts to fall asleep to.

Busy Bee

Too terribly busy with made-up work to even take pictures of it all, but here's the recent stuff:

Mini cheesecakes, half swirled with blackberry, the others plain, and...

...lavender earl grey cupcakes with lemon buttercream for Tim and Kaylan's joint birthday party. I made the cupcakes from this recipe. I added a step which was to heat the milk and steep some tea in it before letting it cool and adding it to the batter. It was pretty bergamot-ish before I put it in the batter, but the cupcakes still didn't have enough of the tea flavor for my taste. Next time I'd say more tea in the batter and less lemon in the icing (delish, but totally overpowered the other flavors).

I finished up an order for a toddler-sized kimono recently, too. Babymamma requested pink, which wouldn't have been my first choice, but I think I made it work. The kimono itself is about 23" long, just to give you an idea of the size. Besides the standard obi, I made a pre-tied bow that snaps on over a simple knot. Probably easier than retying a traditional knot/bow every time a diaper needs changing.

Selfishly, though, my favorite project (of this post, anyway) was one for myself that Faith helped me with this weekend. She and her dad built a sweet stand for her laptop a few months ago and I've been coveting it ever since. Luckily for her, it was the wrong size for my laptop. And luckily for me, it was way easy to build. It's totally perfect because it lets air get under the computer, but is also totally comfortable on your lap...don't get me started on commercial stand designs.

The most time consuming thing about making this thing was getting the color the way I wanted it–saturated, but with the grain showing through. It was essentially a matter of patience and possibly a little obsessive compulsion. I used watered down interior latex paint at about a 4:1 paint-to-water ratio, and painted on with a large artists' brush. After a minute or two I used a combo of dry and damp paper towels to wipe off excess paint and even out the coat. Once it's dry, you just polyurithane, sand, and repeat. The very least step was to glue the black foamy, rubbery, I-don't-know-what strips to the top of the riser pieces and it was donedonedone. I'm a little infatuated with it, I have to admit. It turned out exactly perfect (look at that yellow!).

Tea and Sympathy

I drink a lot of tea. For serious. Pretty much all the time, unless I'm sleeping. Black tea with plain soymilk is one of the greatest things ever. And something else really wonderful is Chatsford teapots. Mesh strainers, people! That means you don't mess up the taste of the tea with nasty metal and you don't get all that dust in the bottom of your teapot from using a ceramic strainer with too-large holes. Brilliant! I really don't know why all teapots aren't made like this.

Coming home and drinking tea has smoothed out some of the frustration I was feeling after a confusing, sleepy morning. I have too many feelings and sometimes I'm fairly certain that other people have hardly any. Or at least that they're very good at hiding them, which is something I don't understand at all.

Alchemy

I've known about Etsy's Alchemy for a while, but never really checked it out until a couple of days ago. All of a sudden I'm making bids left and right for all kind of things. Mainly it's been graphics or print production stuff but I've bid on fabric-based projects as well. For those of you who don't know, Alchemy is a service where a person places a wanted add for something, with an ideal price and shipping date. It ranges from the very specific (a yard and a half of a particular fabric) to the very general (a present for my mother). Anyone with an Etsy account can bid on the job with a description of what they can or will do, a price, and their own shipping date.

Three of my bids have been accepted, so I've got some real (read: paid) projects to work on. One is a custom Pillow Monster, another is a kimono and obi for a toddler, and the third is two fabric reward charts for kids to keep track of their chores and earn goodies. All of them are going to be fun, but I've already discovered that I should bid high, rather than low. Once I've figured it out, I'll be able to make more of the reward charts, but so far I'm afraid I've spent a terrible amount on supplies because I haven't got all the details worked out. I did pick out some really cute fabric, though. There are a couple of bids that I really hope get accepted because the projects are super fun. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Also, if you've got anything you need made, designed, printed, or whatever, you should think about putting up a request. I'm considering using Alchemy to get a coat tailored.

The weekend is nearly upon us and though I didn't get all of my chores done, I at least opened a bank account and mailed out a pillow that I sold the other day. Plus I put together a design portfolio of sorts on Flickr, with mock-ups of some of my buttons and other design stuff. Still no tags, though. Apparently it's going to require getting a North Carolina driver's license. It's been a while since I had one of those. Maybe my picture will be better this time around.

p.s. I put up a new Often Awesome Army skin on Personas. Check it out.

Noise Addict

Okay, anyone who keeps up with me online is probably sick of hearing about this, but I really cannot get enough of the new Noise Addict album. I've been listening to Ben Lee since I was fourteen and this album makes me feel the way I did back then. It's fun and sweet in the best way. Also, they've released it for free, so check it out.

I've had a very productive couple of days, which feels great. I helped clear/clean the Kenmore Estate for a little while yesterday after stopping in to lend them my tv. Why is cleaning someone else's house so much more satisfying than cleaning your own? Today I babysat Ayers, which was fun and totally mellow. And I even performed a couple of random good deeds to top it off.

So, after all this waffling and procrastinating and avoiding, tomorrow is the day that I really start getting down to business. Bring it on, to do list. I will own you.

Distraction 2.0

I've been on my computer nonstop for the last two days. OS upgrade, browser upgrade, Firefox add-ons...it's almost like I've got a whole new computer. It's pretty sweet. And to the detriment of my realworld, tangible projects, I discovered Mozilla Personas, so I've been making skins like a maniac. Above is the one I'm using right now. They've all been submitted to the site, so once their approved you lucky bastards can have them, too.

** Update: Here's my designer page for Persona (9/11/09)

Bonus

• My bad luck rubbed off onto the School for Girls, apparently, but as a pleasant surprise, I managed to leave Birmingham before half of the house fell off. Nice.

• There's an old metal trash bin in our powder room with a faded illustration/print. Similar ones were all over my grandparents' house, and I think I remember that my grandmother had decoupaged them all sometime before I was alive. I've seen this one a thousand times, but I just realized that the image on it was really cool. It turns out that some clever soul (my grandmother, I guess) also pasted the text that went along with the pic from wherever she found it. It seems it's a piece by this guy Georges de Feure. Probably the dude is way famous and I'm an idiot. No worries, though. I've been loving on some art nouveau for years now, so I'm stoked to know of another artist I like.

• And in other news of random discoveries, one of my quilts was on the the front page of Etsy today. Sweet!

Copycat

I've accumulated this pile of toys to paint, so I made a trip to the art supply store today to get some acrylics. The person working there clued me in to the existence of this totally sweet gallery/shop in Car Mill Mall called Wootini. They show art in the front and sell toys, art books, and magazines like Juxtapoz and Playtimes in the back. Perfect! (I spent too much on an issue of Playtimes with a Tokidoki cover because I'm secretly a little obsessed.)

So that was a bonus, and in addition, on the way to the hardware store for some plastic primer I discovered a radass shop, Chapel Hill Comics, on Franklin Street. I loitered there for at least an hour looking at their comics and amazing art books. I must have written down ten different things that I want to buy when I've got some spare cash.

I'm hoping to do some actual work on a couple of toys this weekend, so I cleaned and primed most of the figures. The Hello Kitties were pretty easy, especially the ones that didn't have a lot of paint on them. The only real problem I hit was with the Ghost Rider Mighty Mugg I snagged on sale at Urban Outfitter the other day. The head part was fine, but the body was a disgusting mess. I figured the body would be black vinyl with just a little bit of silver and white paint. There was black coming off, though, so I thought maybe it was painted over the same base plastic as the head. But no matter how much I rubbed, the black wouldn't come off. It started to get totally gloppy and nasty with bits of cotton ball stuck in it. Ew. I got it as clean and smooth as I could and left it to dry. I'm going to try sanding it a bit tomorrow and then priming. My only concern is that I want to leave the flames the way they are and I'm not sure how to avoid getting spray paint all over them. I'll work that out tomorrow, I guess.

Oh, I almost forgot. My new glasses came today.

Carolina Sunshine Girl

Well, I'm here. I procrastinated to the brink of failure, but thanks to Kate, John, et al, I got everything packed and arrived in Chapel Hill at around midnight on Monday. Kate and I bought walkie-talkies for the drive and it was the best $17 I've ever spent. I waffled a little, thinking, "What can a walkie do for me in this age of cell phones?" Blasphemy! These things are freaking awesome. Plus they made driving the truck a breeze, since Kate was able to tell me when it was safe to change lanes. A+

It's green and lovely here and much cooler (temperature-wise) than Birmingham. Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, Harris Teeter, and most importantly, Locopops (yesterday Kate and I shared a chocolate chile popsicle and a plum pink pepper one. Holy sweet god damn!) are right down the street. AND a quilting store moved in next to Locopops. Nevertheless, I'm feeling pretty down. The time has come to get to the business of moving on and looking forward, which I'd really rather avoid.

Instead, I've decided to distract myself with new crafts, which I've convinced myself is not incongruent with the looking-forward directive. I bought some cheap vinyl toys and spent most of last night perusing tutorials on painting, sculpting, and general modification of toys. And then, of course, there are the laptop cases, pillow monsters, quilts, and embroidery projects I've stockpiled. Problems? What problems? Lalalalalalalalala, I can't hear you.

Pictures of my endeavors to come...as soon as I can find my camera cord.

International

My dad's immigration file is a stack of photocopies of photocopies of forms and typewritten letters. Halfway through the pile is his application for permanent residency, followed by another sheet that's blank except for this picture. ID photos for the application. I love the look on his face and the quality of the image.

I requested his file during my attempt to get Italian citizenship, an effort which proved unnecessary, since I've apparently had dual citizenship all along. Since I got my Italian passport a couple of summers ago, I haven't really thought much about taking advantage of it. Moving out of the country has been a hazy, unforeseeable future daydream. I started thinking about it more concretely today, though. While I was looking up information about binding, I found a book arts program in London. Of course the tuition for international students puts the program completely out of my reach. But tuition for UK and EU citizens is only a third of that. I've already started my application.

Bring Me Soymilk

On my flight from JFK to Atlanta I was completely surrounded by children. The kid behind me was practicing her tap routine on the back of my seat while her baby brother pounded on the window like some sort of tiny Dustin Hoffman. The third sibling was literally up to her elbows in bangles so that her every move was distinctly audible. Another little girl peeked between the seats in front of me and then slowly and deliberately licked the window from bottom to top. From across the aisle, the stench of Cool Ranch Doritos engulfed me and I wished for death.

I finally got back to Birmingham at 9:15 this morning after missing my connecting flight in Atlanta and then sleeping through the flight I was rebooked on at 7:30 this morning. I can't say the travel portion of my vacation was particularly awesome, but it's over now. I can quietly avoid my responsibilities from the comfort of my living room. At least until tomorrow, when I'll probably have to deal with various inconveniences, including the fact that my car was hit while I was out of town.

Until then, I refuse to go anywhere, even the grocery store, though I'm in serious need of soymilk (I could probably also use some food). Publix is just too much at the moment. Instead, I'm going to take an ill-advised nap and then stay up too late watching movies.

Horror-scope

I'm not going to go into all the details, but the important predictions are the following: shit is going to continue to suck for me until May 4, 2010, at which point things will start to get better. I have a window from March 2011 to July 2011 during which to get married. If I don't do it then, I've missed the boat until I'm forty! The guy I marry is going to be foreign and slightly younger than me, and I'll probably live outside the US. So, I guess if I make it through the next six months or so, it's smooth sailing. No major health issues or other problems. Just have to deal with another nine months of crap.

Tourist Shots

I've done most of my actual sight-seeing in the last two days. Elephant safari yesterday and primarily Buddhist 12th century ruins today. The Buddhist site has what I think might be the largest reclining Buddha in the world. Could be wrong about that, though. Back to Colombo tomorrow, the land that the internet forgot.

Sri Lanka Pt. 2

Because I know you're on the edge of your seat, I'll go ahead and tell you straight off that my pants, after a couple of washings, are ok. You can exhale now.

We spent the entire weekend shopping and running errands, including dropping my birth info off so I could have my chart done. Apparently by Saturday morning I'll know all sorts of things about my present and future including when and to whom I will finally get married. Please, someone sort it all out, because I'm clearly incapable.

My downfall here has been fabric. I have bought no fewer than five saris and I'm afraid that if I go anywhere near a fabric shop, I'll buy more. But they're soooooo pretty, and they're all different and amazing and I could really just spend the rest of my life looking at them. Clearly I need to find a Sri Lankan dude so it won't be weird for me to wear them around the house (yes, I realize that it would still be weird).

We arrived at the beach yesterday and are going to some historical sites tomorrow. I think we're going to see elephants after that, and then back to Colombo for Ami's 80th birthday party. I'm glad my last few days will be in town and not full of travelling. I'll have plenty of that on the way home.

I must leave this internet point before I steam to death. More when I return to Colombo.
I won't be able to really post any photos until after I get back, so you'll have to survive for now on these fisherman pulling in nets.

Sri Lanka: Part 1

Friday night. After a couple of missteps, I end up at the bar of the Colombo Hilton listening to a Sri Lankan Eagles cover band. I shit you not. I'm the only westerner in the place, and almost the only woman. The waiter stood inappropriately close while giving me the bill for my Lion beer, so I shifted away to let him know that I am not, in fact, a prostitute. Awkward as it is, this is the first time I've been alone since I arrived and I'm enjoying it. Bonus points for seeing an ad for Step Up 2: The Streets on the bar television.

I can't even remember what we did on my first day here except go to a jewelry store where I coveted gold earrings that were out of my price range. The next day we left for Kandy where we attended the next-to-last night of the Perahera, a festival celebrating the Buddha's tooth-relic (which may or may not actually have been destroyed by the Portuguese in the 17th century.) Awesome fire-dancing and costumed elephants quickly turned into the longest, most repetitive parade of all time. Also, giant bats. Enough said.

On Wednesday we drove up to the hill country. Don't ask me where, because I don't know. Everything is already arranged, so I'm not paying much attention to those things. What I do know is that 1) we toured a tea factory and I bought some sort of ridiculously expensive tea; 2) we drove up 8000 ft. on windy and sometimes scary, but always amazingly beautiful roads; 3) we stayed two nights at Warwick Gardens, which is the sort of place where an Englishman would have gone at the turn of the 19th century to convalesce.

Yesterday back to Colombo where my only pair of pants was mildewing in our apartment's washer. Not sure yet if they survived.

Summary of the trip so far:

• interesting foods eaten: rambutan, mangosteen, avocado "juice," curd with treacle.
• monkeys sighted: four
• live performances: innumerable by other members of the group, one by me (coroner's speech from The Wizard of Oz)
• Times almost killed by a motorcycle: one
• Incidents of crying by myself or others: at least three
• Common features of Sri Lanka: saris, tuk-tuks, curry, Buddha shrines with flashing LED halos, roadside cows, wild dogs, cricket matches, military check-points, freezing-ass air conditioning
• favorite business name: Moxie's Chicken and Chicken Parts
• internet points found: 1

P.S. There's a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf here. I'm getting an Iced Blended before I leave.

Procrastination

Per usual I have gotten a lot of useless things done over the last couple of days when there were plenty of important tasks I should have been about. Once I finished modding my moleskine, I slapped PVA and paper onto anything that would stand still. I ended up with a small softcover notebook for the trip, so my important one doesn't get ruined, and I put a new cover on a completely hideous and useless large notebook, just because it was sitting there. The moleskine has new endpapers, ribbon/bookmark, a new pocket, and (!!!) elastic bands on the spine to hold a pen.



I'm relatively certain that I have everything I need for tomorrow, though I'll have to leave some errands for a trustworthy friend, and I'll be making phone calls during layovers. With all the time changes and everything, I leave on the morning of the 1st, and don't arrive in Colombo until 2am on the 3rd. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep, or anywhere close to it, in longer than I can remember, though, so I'm looking forward to tons of that. When I arrive, I'll medicate myself into the appropriate level of wake fullness and hopefully avoid most of the jet lag. Just talking about this is making me too tired to go on. Nap time.

Long Distance

Everything is so incredibly hectic. I leave for Sri Lanka on Saturday. Not only do I have a lot to do before then, but I keep creating more projects for myself, like fancying up my moleskine, or designing this blog. When I get back, around mid-August, it'll be time to pack up my life and move everything to Chapel Hill. A lot of it (my life?) will have to go into storage, but I have to find a place to fit the things from my studio. I doubt I'll have a place for my cutting table. My fabric, pillows, and notions need to be accessable, though, and that could be a problem.

I’m retreating to Chapel Hill because my life sort of collapsed and I don't think I can handle my day-to-day responsibilities while I put it back together. I’m leaving a lot of drama behind in Birmingham, but if I'm not careful I think I'll have plenty of complications to deal with in NC. What I need and want to do is to spend a lot of time on myself with therapy, mediation, yoga, and anything else that might clear out my head. The allure of the drama of human existence is never gone, though. I'm forever ambivalent about it, like most people. I hope I can get the distance I need in Sri Lanka. If not, at least it'll be a hella sweet vacay.